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Episode 32/Transcript
Mr. McNeely: (on TV) We're gonna have a great year! Take it away, Mr. Mack! Mr. McNeely: Thanks Mr. Mack! So, if that wasn't proof enough, I'm not your average teacher. We're gonna have some REAL fun in this class! Blaine: Um, are we gonna do any learning in this class? Mr. McNeely: You bet we are, but the first thing we need to learn is how to have fun together, am I right, guys? Matthew: Alright, I'm gonna put a stop to this. Mr. McNeely— Mr. Mcneely: Mr. Mack, please— Matthew: I get it, you want to relate to us. You want to be the cool teacher. Tanner: But you are not. Mr. McNeely: I'm not? Blaine: You're the douche teacher! Mr. McNeely: The douche teacher? Matthew: Yeah, an adult man trying to act cool so a bunch of young people will like him. Blaine: A douche. Matthew: Amen! Tanner: Yeah, so, like, I don't know maybe you could just actually teach us, you know, like a teacher would teach us, we'd like you a lot whole lot better, Douchey McDoucheface. Mr. McNeely: Oh, um, okay. Well, um, you guys are reading Hamlet, right? What's one of the recurring themes in Hamlet? Tanner: Ohhhh, ooohh oohhh oohhh call on me... Betrayal. Mr. McNeely: Very good, very good. Now who can give me a good example of betrayal? Deandra: Oh! Um, when Hamlet sends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern on a boat to die. Mr. McNeely: Exactly—Hamlet betrays his friends. Brittnay: Which is super fucked up, because only a fucking dickhole betrays his friends. Jenna Darabond: Well maybe he wouldn't have if his friends weren't a bunch of selfish bitches who had already betrayed him in the first place. Mr. McNeely: That's exactly right—Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were going to betray Hamlet first. Mackenzie: Well maybe if Hamlet had known his place instead of being a whiny little bitch, everything wouldn't have been so fucked up! Jenna Darabond: Well maybe if Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hadn't made out with the guy that Hamlet was in love with like two skanky little cock wranglers, they wouldn't have got put on that fucking boat! Mackenzie: That doesn't mean that Hamlet had to go and burn down an entire fucking mall and almost ruin fucking everything! Deandra: And maybe if everyone would've have chilled the fuck out, Ophelia would have still had her goddamn arms! Mr. McNeely: Okay, I think we've moved a little off-topic, but I love the energy guys, love the energy. Blaine: What page does the mall burn down on? Matthew: Relax, Blaine, apparently today's not gonna be a learning day. Mackenzie: Mark my words: I am going to fucking end you. Jenna Darabond: Oh please, Mackenzie, your days of running this school are over. Justin is mine, and pretty soon, this whole fucking school is gonna be mine. Brittnay: Really? Really? You're gonna take over the school? With what army? Ashley Katchadorian? Ashley: Uh, Guys, can I just be left out right now? It's been a really rough couple weeks. I'm kind of gonna do my own thing right now. Trisha: Yeah guys, I think, uh, I think Ashley Katchadorian's kind of earned a break, here. Jenna Darabond: If anybody's going to need help, Mackenzie, it's going to be you. Your lunch tables, your bathrooms, your whole shitty little kingdom, it's all coming down. Brittnay: Oh (stands up and knocks over her table) fuck you bitch! Mr. McNeely: Alright, that's it! I came in here to make learning fun! To show you guys that school can be exciting! I was even gonna show you how to do a kickflip! FUCK! You're talking over me in class, you shit on my video, which by the way has sixty-four likes on Vimeo thank you very much! Do you have any idea how many Vine followers I have? I didn't spend four years studying theatre at The University of Phoenix to be shit on by ALL the likes of you! You all want to learn so much? Well, why don't you learn how to shut the fuck up you pre-pubescent taint ticklers! Because from this point on, Mr. Mack is in charge! (bell rings) Son of a bitch! Alright, tomorrow Mr. Mack is in charge! Matthew: (as the football team leaves) Tomorrow's Saturday! Mr. McNeely: Dammit! Mackenzie: You better watch your back, Jenna. Look around you, this is our school. Jenna Darabond: You're right, Mackenzie, you girls are way more popular than me. Brittnay: Fuckin a' we are! Jenna Darabond: But none of that is going to matter. Because I'm going to destroy popularity as you know it. Mackenzie: What the fuck are you talking about? Jenna Darabond: The world is changing. Your old idea of popularity—it's over. Nobody gives a shit about being hot, or slutty, or whatever the fuck else you thought you learned from Clueless and Mean Girls. A storm is coming, Mackenzie Zales. I am bringing to Overland Park a force that will turn popularity on its head. What is cool will be uncool. The things that nobody likes will be the things that everybody wants! Mackenzie: Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Jenna Darabond: I'm talking about... (puts on a pair of hipster glasses) Hipsterism.